an official introduction

Hubby Matt says I should do this and I have been known to take his advice, so...

I grew up in LA, in the same house for my entire life...my parents' first and only. I loved school and most subjects, particularly history and history of science, music, English and Spanish. Even math. My parents are lawyers and we ate dinner together at the table every night. I have a brother and a sister, so there are always options, alliances. My family is close...my bro grew up thinking our functional family was "normal" in this world and found out that it's not.

I went to jr. high for nerds and loved class more and classmates less, but--heck!--we were all 13. I went to high school for music nerds and loved all of it. She is that happy-go-lucky child, you are thinking. I was, in fact. My Mom can be as cynical as the best of them but called me "Happy Spirit." Then I went to college--Yale--and some kind of second puberty set in. Out of my little happy shell, I had to face making my own decisions and knowing myself. I suddenly wasn't good enough and couldn't figure out why. I loved the atmosphere--the choices--but suddenly got shy and--my God!--suddenly intensely self-conscious for the first time in my life. I think I thought I would come out of college a Rhodes Scholar or something. At the end of college I had a degree but no clue.

My twenties--back in LA--were full of insecurity. I felt free and thus not empowered to pick anything. I worked in the Children's Court and felt useful, sort of. Far from the action. I felt like my decisions were doomed to be bad ones. When people asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I could say "I have no idea" with complete honesty. Why? Maybe chemicals...my turn to be all mixed up inside?

So naturally I self-medicated with film school! Somehow I survived USC and the emotional beatdown to realize that I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Ha! So I worked in the good the bad and the ugly of reality TV, then a Sundance doc. Then a little movie called Me and You and Everyone We Know came along. I was the art coordinator, it was my first feature, and had no idea what I was doing but I did it.

Rest and a little soul-searching made clear the art department was right for me. But my official training--art history, film production, studies in randomness--did not make me supremely confident that I was ready to go. I'm catching up. I worked for an art director who told me that his--our?--kind fall into two categories: those who can draw the sh%t out of things and those who are taskmasters. This is encouraging and I'll end up somewhere in there, but there isn't much of a career path to follow, so I keep working and guessing.

(I just got married to a great guy, so that little life issue is resolved.)

I don't consider myself a fine artist (although Wikipedia and my MFA seem to say otherwise), but I'm an inventive, musical, witty, crafty, crafty, individual who, after all this moaning and groaning, still plays a mean bagpipe and is pretty darn capable of living in the present most of the time, working hard, and loving life.

But...while I'm spooling a little at work, I'd like to put my hands on something fun. I am slowly convincing myself that 100% originality is not important, I just need to make something that people can respond to. And is affordable. Maybe funny and surprising. Not very deep down I am a jamon serrano. And while I'd like to keep it somewhat homemade, it is in the realm of possibility that I might need to consult outside experts.

I used to be afraid of seeming too dilettante, too Gemini, but who cares? Try everything. You only live twice.

P. S. Just because Friedrich Nietzsche is usually such a warm and fuzzy guy, I leave you with this tasty little nugget of jamon:

"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."

God bless America and God Bless the Internet.

It's a new day, a Monday...I've found a place for the 1,000 nagging cranes and started my car on the Road to Wellville.

Good signs. I guess I'll start.

I'm blogging because I'm a 32-year-old Art PA on a mission to keep myself occupied on my own terms. I am lucky to have been involved with quality projects rather than Scheiss, but Art PAing is still Art PAing. As I slowly acquire the necessary days to prove myself worthy of IATSE Local 800 (insert rant about necessary evils here), my morale wavers minute-to-minute from inspired to bored to frustrated to stripped bare. In the past I've found outlets in the form of other peoples' projects.

Now I love other people as much as the next slightly jaded 32 year-old Art PA, but at a certain point--too often, too soon--my original interest in the project becomes entangled in a web of logistics, personalities, production difficulties, miscommunication, lack of help and day jobs. Sometimes these things grind to a halt with everyone deflated, wondering where we lost our way...

Maybe the problems are exacerbated by my being a little bit older, being aware of what one could do if one had the time and could really communicate...I think if I were the 20-year-old I wish I had been, I would be fearless and empowered.

But while I am often a mystery to myself, I do know that I won't lie to myself about what I like and--more or less--what role I want myself to play. So I'm taking a stab at starting a little business in which I make things that are fun and other people can afford. What I hope to accomplish, shorter term:

--give myself an outlet for all that project-creation energy
--create a little income and temp less between gigs
--finish things...that I can be proud of
--learn new techniques and skills

I'll start with textiles and paper and move on--hopefully--to furniture and...??? I'd like to create things with a sense of humor or at least fun. I want recycling to be a huge part of it. I want to work giving something back into the financial structure.

It will start small, and hopefully I will dig deep and find the chutzpah to continue. Wish me luck.